Surviving Infertility: Being Selfish in a Selfless Process

surviving infertility: being selfish in a selfless processEverything I have done to my body through this entire process has been a completely selfless act.  From the
minute I started taking Clomid, through the hundreds of injections, I was doing everything possible to get pregnant.

There were endless tests, drugs, needles, you name it, it was not glamorous. In order for us to have a family some day, I knew that all the poking and prodding was our only option.

I understood what infertility treatments entailed, but I couldn’t wrap my head around the effect it would all have on my body until I began going through the process.  I quickly learned that surviving infertility would require me to be selfish at time through a process that is purely selfless.

How I Ended Up Surviving Infertility by Being Selfish in a Selfless Process:

If I am being totally honest, somedays I felt as if I was a prisoner in my own body.

I was told when to have sex and when to NOT have sex (oh joy)!  When to exercise and when to not exercise.

After several months, well years actually, it all took a toll on me.  Exercising was my outlet for stress relief. I would lay on the couch with a bloated and bruised belly longing for the day when I could go on a run again.  I didn’t want to be given permission to exercise by my doctors, I wanted to make those decisions on my own accord.

first run after i was cleared

I rode out that dark storm and my day finally came.

Here is the picture I took on the first run I was able to go on for myself!  You can see the pure joy on my face.

This moment was symbolic for me because I was able to finally be myself again.  It felt exhilarating to be able to run, pain-free and know that I wasn’t doing anything to put my babies in harms way.

I was able to run because I felt like it.

Nobody was telling me to take another pill or lay with my feet up.  I was physically OK to run again! My head felt clear as I ran around my favorite loop near Boulder, CO.   That run was a turning point for me in surviving infertility.

I realized that day how important it was that my husband and I continue making decisions during this process that were best for us….on a agenda all our own.  Sure, doctors were giving us timelines, but it became more important that it all fit in our life too.

As eager as my husband and I were to start our family, it was just as important for us to be ready to face everything head on.  I needed time for those extra moments for me!

I needed to unwind with a glass of red wine with a girlfriend.

I needed to take that last snowboarding trip with my husband.

Then we were ready.  I feel that taking a step back and putting myself and my relationship first truly helped me to keep my strength.  I was surviving infertility.

I also believe that the time we took helped me to successfully carry my boys to full term when I finally got pregnant.

Why?  Well because I felt like ME.  I was ready to take on the challenge both emotionally and physically.  I am a much stronger version of myself today than I was 4 years ago.  And. although the seas have been rough at times, I wouldn’t change anything for the world.

 

xoxo,Meghan (1)

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